Congrats, newly minted librarian!
Now that you’ve been hired, your newly earned master's degree can be put to use as you begin your job as a professional “shh”-er. This will be a time of great self-reflection that will let your true colors shine through.
Being strict and scary may be the stereotype, but why stray from the norm. This guide will bring you above and beyond the stereotype to your ultimate mortifying potential. With a bit of a stretch, this can apply to any job that requires working with people. You can be the worst version of yourself with my How to Be an Awful Librarian* DVD series. For those of you who prefer books, get over yourself.
Ten essentials, just to help you along the way:
- Treat the volunteers like they’re brain dead. The volunteers only want to help you and the library patrons, but treat them like they are the idiotic enemy. This middle schooler or high schooler is sure to be your downfall, so question them after every book they shelve and make sure to remind them that they are essentially useless.
- Take all of the credit. After you’ve established that the volunteer is, in fact, brain dead and you’ve watched them shelve four full carts of books, take the credit for all of the work that volunteer just did. Tell all of your other librarian friends how productive “you” have been. Then listen and agree as the adult volunteers take the remaining credit.
- Judge people for their book choices. Encourage people to check out books that interest them, but as soon as they come to check out Fifty Shades of Grey or Everyone Poops judge them like there’s no tomorrow. Make a face of disgust and/ or disappointment then proceed to gossip about them until something else even close to interesting or funny happens to you.
- Interrupt people who are reading to tell them about the importance of reading. This one speaks for itself. Interrupt people who are reading and to go into a long-winded explanation on why they should never stop reading. You need to effectively convince them that they no longer want to come to the library for fear of a 20-minute lecture on something they already do.
- Yell at people for talking too loudly. Even if a person is whispering, yell at them to shut up. Don’t worry about disrupting the rest of the library with the volume of your voice, make sure that a person not bothering anyone is silent and publicly humiliated.
- Recommend obscure books that the library doesn’t even have. Listen very carefully to what a person is looking for in a book; then, suggest something that meets none of that criteria. Pick a book that’s so out there that none of the libraries in the state have ever heard about it. Finally, offer to email them the contact information for a shady guy on Craigslist who may or may not have a copy.
- Yell at people for overdue books. Whether the book is a day late or a year late act like it is the end of the world. Use your wrath to make them feel afraid and useless while they swear that they will never have an overdue library book ever again. Once you’ve calmed down considerably, ask for the fine. You will then see it fit to yell over the fact that this “delinquent” doesn’t have exact change.
- Close the library early. There will come a time when you are the only librarian left at the end of a long day. It will be 8:30 with 20 people left and the library closes at 9:00. You will see it necessary to close the library early so you can watch the 6 episodes of Scandal on your DVR. Tell the high schoolers doing their science fair research to hit the road and the special needs kids getting tutored to take a hike. Make sure you feel no remorse for taking the easy way out. When the only volunteer remaining asks you why you are closing the library, tell them there is a family emergency or make up a doctor’s appointment.
- Invite guest speakers that no one cares about. Remember that obscure book from earlier? Use your talent to find an even more obscure author. Make sure that the book they wrote is really existential and unbelievably pretentious while still being a disgrace to books everywhere. Even better, don’t even pick an author. Pick someone with less than half a brain cell to talk about how outraged they are that the word “lisp” contains the letter “s.”
- Spoil the endings of books. Be sure to pay very close attention to anyone when they talk about a book they want to read. You are then going to tell them EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENS. Tell them in intense detail about character deaths, shocking love interests, and anything else in between. Then, politely guide them to the shelf where the book is located while they gape at you with betrayal in their eyes. Be sure to say something along the lines of “I hope you LOVE the book.”
Now you can do your job and make sure no one ever wants to come to the library ever again!
So order my How to be an Awful Librarian series now, and get a jar to hold your soul in 100% free because you won’t need that anymore.
*Only $5 plus shipping and handling because, with your salary, that’s all you can afford.